Saturday, June 6, 2009

Not the Nation Round Up

Thai media agree to focus all coverage on cute animals

BANGKOK – Citing positive response from recent 24-hour coverage of the panda cub born at the Chiang Mai Zoo, the Thai Journalists Association (TJA) has agreed to focus all television and print media for the rest of the year on “colorful stories from the Thai animal kingdom.” In a statement released to itself yesterday, the group said it had unanimously agreed to stop reporting on human affairs in favor of “feature stories from the lovable, politically-neutral world of animals.”

Japanese father to return to Thailand to retrieve long lost photograph

TOKYO – The “missing” father of a nine-year-old Thai-Japanese boy has agreed to travel from Tokyo to Bangkok in order to be reunited with an old photograph of himself he thought he lost years ago.

Katzumi Zato, the absent dad of Phichit boy Keigo Zato, was recently tracked down by Thai and Japanese government officials through an old picture that shows Katzumi shirtless, wearing sunglasses and apparently having an excellent time.

“Actually, it is a miracle really,” Katzumi told Japanese paper Tokyo Shimbun over the weekend. “I always wondered what the hell happened to that picture.”

“When the government contacted me, I was nervous at first, because I was completely kamikazed [“shitfaced” in Japanese] in that picture. But when they told me they would help me track it down, I was actually quite relieved. I could not deny it any longer. Yes, that is me in that crazy picture.”

Steven Seagal's Career Found Dead in Bangkok

UDON THANI – The badly decomposed body of US actor Steven Seagal’s Hollywood career was discovered in a hotel room in the Isaan city of Udon Thani this morning. Police uncovered the corpse after investigating reports of a foul smell emanating from room D34 at the Imperial Rose Mansion Residence, a low-budget serviced apartment and homestay hotel.

The actor’s career had been reported missing since shortly after the release of the 1996 action film “Executive Decision,” in which Seagal, who had headlined several succesful action films through the 1980s and early 1990s, took on a supporting role to the more bankable star Kurt Russell. Thereafter sightings of Seagal’s career were occasional and increasingly hard to verify as he starred in a series of lower and lower budget straight-to-DVD films.

Further fueling rumors of the aging, bloated martial arts star’s career death were his concurrent offscreen pursuits, including singing lead in an obscure touring band called Thunderbox and political activism for Native American and environmental causes.


The remains of the career have been taken to the laboratory of DSI forensics director Khunying Dr Pornthip Rojanasunand, who will issue a full report next week. However early examination of the corpse suggest that initial press reports that it had been dead for over a decade was not accurate. “Sometimes when something is very sick in its last years of life, it can look worse after death than normal,” Dr Pornthip explained. “It appears that this particular career was already suffering from various terminal diseases, such as self-parody, self-delusion, and Native American leather-fringed jackets.

As usual, Not the Nation delivers the goods on the absurdity of the Thai media. Classics one and all.

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