Deconstructing Suthichai Yoon: Confessions of a confused fake modern-day news editor

In the last edition of The Nation, editor Suthichai Yoon had a fake interview with a fake friend and reprinted this idiotic conversation with himself in his newspaper.

Now, I know what many of you are thinking, "What kind of idiotic editor of a major metropolitan newspaper would have a fake conversation with himself and then actually have the audacity to print it as a column without feeling a bit of shame or embarrassment?"

Well, the answer is easy. Suthichai is that type of idiot. Anyway, here is the link to Suthichai's infamous man on the street interview with himself.

In the spirit of fake interviewing, I will now have a fake interview with Suthichai and reprint it here for all of you to enjoy:

Fonzi: Khun Suthichai, thanks for having the courage to be interviewed by me, especially since I am not a big fan of you or your newspaper.

Fake Suthichai: I'm fake, so I have no problems being interviewed by you, but if I was the real Suthichai, I would never let you interview me.

Fonzi: Why not? Do I look scary to you?

Fake Suthichai: Well, actually, you are kind of scary.

Fonzi: Why is that?

Fake Suthichai: You are the only person in Thailand who expects high standards and journalistic integrity from us. Also, you mock us in your blog everyday. You should know better. Thais don't liked to be mocked.

Fonzi: I know that. I mock you on purpose. If I mock you, that means I have the most faith in you to change. After all, you say that you are "Bangkok's Independent Newspaper." I am just holding you to your word. But, I want you to think about this, if you had high standards and journalistic integrity, I would be your defender and sing your praises daily. What puzzles me about you, Suthichai, is that you have been working in the newspaper and media business for decades. Don't you think after all this time you would actually have learned something about journalism, at least adapt your style to the times, and rededicate yourself to being the best news editor that you can be? In other words, don't you think you should take a stand for your own personal excellence as a journalist and a news editor, and in that position, take a stand for professionalism and integrity in the Thai media?

Fake Suthichai: I think I do my best...

Fonzi: Seriously?

Fake Suthichai: Yes.

Fonzi: OK. Then can we go over your career as a journalist and as a major news editor in Thailand?

Fake Suthichai: Sure.

Fonzi: OK. I will be easy on you, at least for now. I will begin with a stylistic question.

Fake Suthichai: Shoot.

Fonzi: Why would you, as a news editor of a major metropolitan newspaper in Asia, have a fake interview with yourself and then print that fake interview as a column? Right now, we live under a military dictatorship, with a junta that is so corrupt and so incompetent that it makes the last junta look like it was a...

Fake Suthichai: Tulsathit does that...

Fonzi: Tulsie, with all due respect, is an idiot.

Fake Suthichai: Anyway, what I was saying is that Tulsathit sometimes has fake dialogues with himself that I always thought were charming, so I thought...

Fonzi: So you thought you would copy Tulsie's style. OK, got it, but don't you think having fake conversations with yourself and actually printing them in the newspaper is unprofessional, and, quite frankly, kind of stupid? I mean, right now, I am trying to think off the top of my head if any other top Pulitzer Prize winning columnists have that style...

Fake Suthichai: It is Thai style.

Fonzi: OK. Thai style. So even with all the problems in the country-- coups, terrorism, economic recession--you think having fake dialogues with yourself is an appropriate stylistic technique to get urgent ideas and concepts across to your very mature and sophisticated adult audience?

Fake Suthichai: Look, you get on my case about putting quotation marks around code words that only I understand and you never let up about my overuse of cliches...

Fonzi: Speaking of this, why do you overuse quotation marks and dumb cliches?

Fake Suthichai: Thai style.

Fonzi: I don't think it is a Thai style. I think it is your style.

Fake Suthichai: My style, Thai style, same, same but different.

Fonzi: Did you know that if you went to journalism school, and you inserted dialogues with yourself, used quotation marks around code words that only you understand, and put dumb cliches into your columns, that you would never pass you classes? And you certainly wouldn't get a editorial job working at a real newspaper.

Fake Suthichai: Why are you so worried about style? As a newspaper editor, I have to focus on substance.

Fonzi: You are Thai, right?

Fake Suthichai: Of course, I am Thai. You know I am Thai.

Fonzi: Well, you said that you focus on substance over style, so I just want to make sure that you are really Thai. Speaking of substance, why doesn't your newspaper ever print any facts?

Fake Suthichai: We print facts, lots of them.

Fonzi: Well, actually you don't print any facts at all. What I have noticed is that you print other people's opinions and present them as facts. Also, when you quote somebody and print it in the newspaper, you actually never verify if what that person said was actually true.

Fake Suthichai: Can you give me an example?

Fonzi: Have you read your own paper recently? Well, in yesterday's paper, you had a headline that said that "Bill Clinton backs Thailand." Is that true?

Fake Suthichai: Yes.

Fonzi: Well, did you actually call Bill Clinton and ask him for his opinion?

Fake Suthichai: Nope, Health Minister Mongkol said that Bill Clinton sides with Thailand.

Fonzi: So you consider hearsay fact?

Fake Suthichai: If a Thai says it is fact, it is fact--except if that Thai is Thaksin, then everything he says is a lie.

Fonzi: So, let me get this straight, you believe that if a person, notably a Thai and not Thaksin, says something, then you take his or her word for it without any secondary verification?

Fake Suthichai: Yes, and you think you know something about the newspaper business. Geez.

Fonzi: Take it easy. So, if General Sonthi says that his junta is more democratic than Thaksin's government, you believe him?

Fake Suthichai: Don't you listen? Here is the equation once again. If a Thai says something and he is quoted in the newspaper, then that is a fact, but if the Thai who is being quoted is Thaksin, then whatever he says is a lie. Ergo, General Sonthi is a national hero who deserves to honored and worshiped by all without question, and Thaksin Shinawatra is a slimy little slug who should be squashed with the back of my shoe.

Fonzi: Actually, Khun Suthichai, you are just verifying what I have thought all along.

Fake Suthichai: So we agree?

Fonzi: I didn't say I agree. But I do understand how you run your newspaper.

Fake Suthichai: OK

Fonzi: Why did you back the coup?

Fake Suthichai: Thaksin was corrupt and immoral. He had me investigated. I hate that motherf###er.

Fonzi: OK. I have a few questions about this. If Thaksin was corrupt, how come you never did any investigative reporting about his nefarious empire?

Fake Suthichai: We did.

Fonzi: Nope, you didn't. Since Thaksin Shinawatra came to power until to this very day, The Nation newspaper has not published one fact based report connecting the dots and outlining Thaksin Shinawatra's business, political and criminal empire.

Fake Suthichai: We did.

Fonzi: Nope, you didn't. I'll give you an example. You said Thaksin was responsible for getting thousands of people killed during the war on drugs. Is that true?

Fake Suthichai: Yes, we made those allegations. There was a war on drugs. Thaksin was prime minister. Ergo, he was responsible.

Fonzi: How many government ministers did you interview about this?

Fake Suthichai: None

Fonzi: How many documents do you have signed by Thaksin, ordering that drug dealers be killed no questions asked?

Fake Suthichai: None

Fonzi: How many police colonels have you heard testify that they were ordered by Thaksin Shinawatra to kill drug dealers?

Fake Suthichai: None.

Fonzi: So what kind of investigative report did you do on the war on drugs?

Fake Suthichai: We did many Thaksin was prime minister, so it was his fault stories.

Fonzi: But no smoking guns?

Fake Suthichai: Nope

Fonzi: You accused Thaksin of intimidating the media, true or false?

Fake Suthichai: Yes, absolutely true.

Fonzi: Did Thaksin ever order you personally not to publish a story?

Fake Suthichai: Nope, but he had me and my assets investigated?

Fonzi: How do you know Thaksin ordered it?

Fake Suthichai: Do you think I am stupid? I know it was him.

Fonzi: But you have no evidence?

Fake Suthichai: All I know was that my privacy was invaded and I felt intimidated by the power of the government.

Fonzi: OK, fair enough, so because of this, did you feel that you withheld information from the public concerning corruption in the Thaksin administration?

Fake Suthichai: Absolutely.

Fonzi: So your personal safety and privacy was more important than the truth about Thaksin Shinawatra?

Fake Suthichai: Of course, I am more important than the truth.

Fonzi: Interesting. So you wouldn't sacrifice yourself and your career, even if you knew that by doing so you would have brought Thaksin Shinawatra down in the eyes of the public and could have prevented the coup and saved Thai democracy?

Fake Suthichai: Don't you ever read The Nation? Don't you ever watch television? Haven't you gotten by now that without me there is no Thai democracy? I am the only voice of truth and justice in the Thai media.

Fonzi: If that is true, which it certainly is not, had you exposed Thaksin for all his crimes, even if that meant sacrificing yourself, wouldn't that have made you a hero?

Fake Suthichai: I think I served the public better by keeping my mouth shut, keeping all my privileges, and having no courage.

Fonzi: OK, got it. So, now I have to ask you this, now that Thaksin is gone and you are no longer intimidated and afraid of him, why don't you publish all the juicy corruption stories that you had been sitting on during his tenure and prove once and for all what a lying scheming crook he was and still is?

After that question, fake Suthichai got up and needed to take a water break.