Not the Nation: David Carradine and Death by Masturbation Sect

Not the Nation

BANGKOK – The investigation into the death of David Carradine took a shocking twist today when it was revealed that the former TV star was actively investigating the closely guarded secrets of a Chinese Shaolin masturbation sect during the time of his death.


The news was announced at a press conference by private detectives working on behest of Mr Carradine’s family, which had maintained all along that the death was neither suicide nor an accident, as the Thai forensices team had initially concluded.


“It appears that Mr Carradine was involved in a top-secret mission to uncover the greatest secrets of martial-arts masturbation, secrets which could revolutionize the way the world masturbates,” said Walter Polanski, the investigator who cracked the case. “And he was murdered for it.”


According to a full 34-page report given to the press and Thai authorities, Mr Carradine first developed an interest in the legendary “Thousand Palms” technique of self-gratification when he heard of the legend as a young man during travels through China, where he was traveling as a novice student masturbator. It was in a temple near the base of Wudan Mountain that Mr Carradine was told that the legend was in fact real, and that a secretive group of Shaolin maturbating monks called the Robed Hands still existed to maintain and protect the Thousand Palms technique.


“The Thousand Palms technique is the holy grail of jerking off,” explained Dr. Min-Guo Chung, a professor of Eastern martial and maturbatory arts and as well as an accomplished wushu practitioner. “


Classic.