Not the Nation: David Carradine and Death by Masturbation Sect

Not the Nation

BANGKOK – The investigation into the death of David Carradine took a shocking twist today when it was revealed that the former TV star was actively investigating the closely guarded secrets of a Chinese Shaolin masturbation sect during the time of his death.


The news was announced at a press conference by private detectives working on behest of Mr Carradine’s family, which had maintained all along that the death was neither suicide nor an accident, as the Thai forensices team had initially concluded.


“It appears that Mr Carradine was involved in a top-secret mission to uncover the greatest secrets of martial-arts masturbation, secrets which could revolutionize the way the world masturbates,” said Walter Polanski, the investigator who cracked the case. “And he was murdered for it.”


According to a full 34-page report given to the press and Thai authorities, Mr Carradine first developed an interest in the legendary “Thousand Palms” technique of self-gratification when he heard of the legend as a young man during travels through China, where he was traveling as a novice student masturbator. It was in a temple near the base of Wudan Mountain that Mr Carradine was told that the legend was in fact real, and that a secretive group of Shaolin maturbating monks called the Robed Hands still existed to maintain and protect the Thousand Palms technique.


“The Thousand Palms technique is the holy grail of jerking off,” explained Dr. Min-Guo Chung, a professor of Eastern martial and maturbatory arts and as well as an accomplished wushu practitioner. “


Classic.

Not the Nation: Batrapob, the Caped Crusader

Not the Nation


Fugitive politician Jakrapob Penkair, who vanished from Thailand in the early days of last week’s UDD protests, appeared publically for the first time in today in Singapore where he spoke to the press while wearing a full Batman costume. The Thaksin supporter spoke of plans underway to build a “vast, underground network of tunnels” as a base for the Red Shirts, who would now operate nocturnally.


“ Bangkok is infested with a disease, and we are the cure,” he said cryptically from behind a heavy black mask attached to a cowl and cape. “Our methods are silent and invisible. Our movements are undetectable. We will strike from the dark and bring fear into the hearts of the enemy.”


Jakrapob did not elaborate on exactly who the enemy was, although he insisted that it was not the PAD. “We did not try to kill Sondhi,” he said, referring to the recent gun attack on PAD leader Sonthi Limthongkul. “Bullets are the clumsy weapons of the greater enemy.”


Responding to the arrest warrant against him and allegations of lese majeste, Jakrapob said cryptically, “There are four kings in the deck, but only two Jokers. Who has the real power?”

Classic Not the Nation

Not the Nation


BANGKOK – In a further escalation of the color-coded polarity that has gripped the nation’s politics since the 2006 coup, members of the People’s Alliance for Democracy have urged all Thai people to express their loyalty to the nation and its monarchy by exclusively using yellow water during this year’s Songkran celebrations.


“Yellow is the King’s color, which is why we adopted it for our movement to rid the country of Thaksin and his republican cronies,” explained PAD leader Sondhi Limthongkul. “We feel that it there is no better way to further prove our love for His Majesty than to spray each other with yellow water for three days.”

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“The King is above politics, and every Thai loves the King, so every Thai should be honored to be touched by yellow water this year,” explained Foreign Minister Kasit Piromya. “I, for one, can’t wait to be doused in it.”

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Supporters of exiled ex-prime minister Thaksin Shinawatra remained skeptical of the motives behind the yellow-water movement. “The color yellow has been politicized,” explained social activist and UDD supporter Somsak Jiamtheerasakul. “This is a ploy by the PAD to weaken our movement through a nationwide golden shower.”


Sick bastards.

Not the Nation on Constitution Day

Money quote:


The announcements highlighted a day of wide-ranging celebrations and activities held in honor of the “supreme law of the land.” Across the country, millions of Thais took time out to celebrate Thailand’s first constitution in 1932 and the 16 that have followed.

Many spent the national holiday discussing politics and debating which voided constitution was their all-time favorite. The cabinet also announced that next year would see the opening of a new museum dedicated to Thailand’s most sacred document. The museum will have four rooms: Constitutions 1932-1945, Constitutions 1945-1967, Constitutions 1968-present, and a special exhibit called Constitutions Signed at Gun Point.

"Not The Nation" Makes its Debut

A reader sent me a link to this new Onionesque website called Not The Nation.

It is obviously a new endeavor, so content is limited.

I like the layout. Somebody put more thought into it than the webmaster over at The Nation.

I hope they invite me to write. I have a lot of material.

Anyway, it will take a lot of work to keep that site up, so I hope it continues.